Holidays!

Holidays are coming up quickly! Happy Halloween! (in case I forget to post!)

I've decided not to go up to my family's for any of the next four holidays - Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years- if they can't have me at my worst, they don't get to see me at my best. And they sure as hell don't get to be disrespectful to me 95% of the year and expect to see me because I ought to go up there for holidays. I had a dream that I did go up there and my mom was being a total bitch herself and I cussed her out in front of the whole family and left. Strangely enough, Jesse's aunt Lulu and Stephen were there.

I've decided to use Stephen to break down my 'emotional wall.' He seems pretty cool with the idea, and we've been playing Farmville and Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life together. It's nice to let my guard down around him. Though, I am afraid of getting too close to him.

I tore out the knees in my favorite jeans. I don't know weather or not to patch them. I love unpatched jeans.. but it's getting to be winter in Michigan! It's getting to be freezing at night. Which reminds me - I love all the seasons. I love the fall colors, the silent still nights of winter, the pastel-y spring, and the hazy summer. I can't believe anyone could complain about it. Sure, winters f-ing freezing, and summer is too hot, but, come on, you can't have such beauty and not pay for it. It's gorgeous here. I need to take some fall pictures.

I've decided to grow my hair out until it's curly, and then dye it bright red, with orangey highlights. because, well, I haven't had red hair yet. It might just suit me. If not it's only a hop to brown. I still have to dye my hair pink before I've had my hair every color, and red should fade to a weird pinky color.

I have 3 teeth I need pulled because they hurt all the time, and I'm sick. It's terrible. I sleep all day and just don't want to get up. It's going to be $660 to pull the teeth, and I'm going to see if my dad can help me pay for it. I'm waiting for my old employer to fax some papers to where I applied to- before I can even get an interview. Then I can hopefully get braces, and have pretty, healthy teeth. Okay, I'm out to harvest in FarmVille, and kill some family in Oblivion!

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Pictures

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A little background - Pt. 1

So maybe I should say a little more about myself?

I grew up in a small Christian town. My parents had a house foreclosed and we moved to a one bedroom house which my dad built into a four bedroom, one bath house. It had an attic, main floor, and classic Michigan basement. The electrical, plumbing, duct work, and foundation are terrible, the floor is falling in on itself and it's barely insulated. I'm sure any building inspector (if they were paid on commission for each infraction of building code) would be a millionaire by the time they got done with that house. I was 3 at the time. My dad left (I later found out my mother evicted him) when I was 6. My grandparents died when I was 7, and my mom fell into a depression, resorting to alcohol and chain smoking. She used to be very pretty.

When I was 9 my mom "lost" her job at a glass plant in the next town over. I found out later that she quit because she thought my dad's child support would sustain me, her, and my two older brothers. She would drive by my dad's house and see what he was up to. Finally reunited with my dad, I made his life hell, as much as I could. I hated him. He left me, abandoned me, little did I know he tried as hard as he could to get full custody of me. His first, and only, wife left him around July of '98, as I accidently stumbled upon a conversation of hers - who she was cheating with and when. They told me it wasn't my fault. Of course it was, had I not heard that conversation he wouldn't have known. He moved to Wisconsin soon after, and I'd visit him every other week in summer up there.


In '99, there was the columbine shootings, the following fall, my school district had bomb threats every other day until winter, and as soon as it got warm, they started up again. We had logs of when everyone left the class to go to the bathroom, when we left the class, when we arrived at the bathroom, when we left the bathroom, and when we arrived back to class. On one occasion I was out of the classroom when one of the threats was made, and all the other girls who had been out of their class at the same time, were gathered up and sent to the principals office. If I could remember what that guy said - I'd put money on him losing his job. How he treated us was terrible.

In middle school everyone kind of made their own cliques, almost everyone had one. I refused to get into that sort of nonsense, so I didn't. Sure, I ostrasized myself, but it was by my own hand, the next six years, I didn't have a group, a set group of friends, a certain table to sit at, I was a loner, and I was okay with that.

In 8th grade was the first time I cut my hair very short, about 1/2 long, frosted tips, I'm sure it looked terrible, but I felt so great about it. I looked like my brother, dressed in boys clothes, but didn't know why I was doing it, except that it felt good, it felt right.

9th grade, I sort of found a group, but not friends, I joined theatre. It was great fun, I kept my grades up, 3.98 gpa, and always A's. I had the smallest part in the play - Poppy, in Noises Off. A play inside a play, brilliant. But I soon fell depressed, The fall of 10th grade my drama directors son commited suicide on Thanksgiving, he quit. I quit drama. I started going online to meet friends, saying I was a guy "because I didn't want to be hit on." I loved being called a guy.

And that's when it hit me. I needed to be seen as a guy. Luckily, the androgynous scene of 'emo' was in, I could dress as a guy and just be called emo, not 'dyke' or 'lesbo' or anything.. I dyed my hair and had the emo fringe, and all was good.

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Catching Up

So, last week I went to 'meet' my dad. First time in 8 years, and everything I thought I knew about him was a lie. I went there with an open mind, an open heart, and a clear conscious. A good friend of mine, Tyler, drove me up there. we had 13 miles of construction, and we were going 3mph for most of the 13 miles. All in all, it took us about four and a half hours to get there, and I met my dad under the Mackinaw bridge. He looked about the same as he did 8 years ago, just greying a bit more. He hugged me- it was such a loving and much needed embrace. His daughters were with him, as well as his wifey, Jodi. Another 5 hour trip back to Wisconsin across the U.P. Nothing but trees and no freeway.

Once we arrived, they carried the girls inside. Their house was beautiful, and they had a farm with 20 some horses, 2 or so dozen chickens, a handful of rabbits, 12 dogs, 8 puppies, and 3 cats. I felt at home. We didn't stay up late that night as we had work in the morning. Work? What work? Farmwork. The next day I met the rest of the family, Jessie, 16, her boyfriend, Roger ( who was nicknamed Hiawatha), John, aka shooter, and his girlfriend Brianne. Let's not forget Chou Cha either, Chou Cha is polish for Auntie, she was amazing. In her 80's and still had a ton of fight left in her. I can only wish to have that much fight in me at 80.

Roger, Jessie and Jodi went out to do the morning chores- taking the puppies out to the pen from the stall, feeding the chickens, cleaning QT, Traveller, and the puppies stalls, feeding the colts, Cherry, Frosty, the rabbits, chickens, puppies, dogs, and let out Gretta, Tucker, and Pepperann. I followed Jessie around as she showed me the barn and all the animals. We found Minnie's three week old kittens too, she had six in all, and we moved them to the kennel. It wasn't even noon and it had been an amazing day. My dad had went to the mill, and the girls, Jake and Joe (short for JaKota, and JoHanna respectively), were playing on their gator and bikes in the front lawn.

The rest of the week went along pretty quietly. I was in charge of feeding and watering the animals as well as cleaning out the stalls. By the end of the week I was able to do all the chores in about an hour! Spectacular! Saturday. I wasn't ready to leave. It had been a great week. My dad and I made a new Aggravation board and a cat toy. I also had adopted a kitten from Minnie's litter- she looked almost dead when we found her.

And now that it's been about ten days since I've returned, I still want to go back. Part of me doesn't want to leave what I've made for myself. A secondary family, one that loves me to bits, is concerned about me and shows it, they trust me, and I love them all for that.

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