Epiphanies and Moving On?

So, I just got my VF cult re-organized. I hope it works better this time. I need to redo my profile and organize it a little better.

Last night I was finally able to describe what I've been feeling. I feel like I'm watching a movie of my life and I'm on my couch screaming what I should do, but I can't quite bring myself in the movie to do it. So I just sit here in life, and drift. It's terrible. I know why I drift, and I know what's holding me back, I'm just not ready to get help. Though part of me really wants to move on I don't want to be seen as 'damaged goods' or some type of freak. I've been through a lot in my 20 years. More than most people have, and I know a lot of people say that because everything is in relativity to what you can deal and cope with.

The thing that holds me back most is when I was 15 I wasn't raped, but it was as traumatic as a rape. How do I know? I have been raped. I can still feel the guys 150grit sand paper skin rub against mine, see his luminously pale white skin, remember how I pushed him away, grabbed my clothes, and sat on my basement stairs crying until he left. I still hate him. It still disgusts me to see any picture of him. I still take the blame for what happened.. maybe if I hadn't let him on? Maybe if I hadn't thought I was ready? About six months before my life went downhill. I started realising my reality wasn't matching up with what was being told to me. I was beginning to realise who I was, and what I wanted. I thought maybe if I could get into a relationship and feel "loved" - which at that time was really lust - I would be normal, just as normal as any other girl. Oh, how wrong I was.

No amount of love or lust would bring me to feel normal. Only accepting who I am would do that. Now that I am coming around to that, it feels like a ton of bricks have hit me and I am sorting through all the lies that were told to me and finding the truth of who I am, who I'm able to trust, and what really happened in my life. I know all my sources are biased, and I can only trust each with a grain of sand.

I know I can't continue to drift. I need to stand up in this stream, and walk out. Cut ties with all the lies I've been living in. Start over. Let go, take a deep breath and move on.