Inspirationally Sad Youtube Clips

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Some new stuff!

I've decided to start posting some GMH's & IMMD's each time I post; they give me hope and make my day and it might just make yours! And, if it can make you smile, it's totally worth it.

"While I was playing with my rather large dog of whom my neighbors are afraid of, I picked up a fluffy dandelion and blew on it. He then proceeded to yelp and run away with his tail between his legs and hid under my car."

"A friend of mine told me how he rear ended another car yesterday. The person he hit happened to be a midget. The guy got out his car and walked to my friend’s window, looked up and said, “I am not happy.” To which my friend replied, “Then which one are you?”"

"I asked my grandpa if he was going to fly back for Christmas with the family, and he snorted and said “yeah, in my ROFLCOPTER.”"

"I just started therapy for a 10 year long battle with Bulimia. I went to the library to grab some books on ED Recovery. Tonight, I opened up one of the books to start reading and an index card fell out with GMH's site and it stated "Smile! You are beautiful!" It made me cry."

"A few years ago I got too drunk at a party and was dragged into an alley to be raped. A fellow student heard the commotion and knocked my attacker unconscious. Apparently he stayed with us both until the ambulance and police came. He never told me his name. His Random act of bravery GMH."

Please remember these are NOT my stories, they are just from each respective site.

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Okay! Back onto normal blogging! So, this week is Thanksgiving. I haven't made any plans to go back home, which is kind of sad, and really a huge relief! It feels weird to be away from "home," and at the same time, I'm not under a ton of "home stress." We aren't doing anything for Thanksgiving either, I don't think.

I've decided to start doing some Operation Beautiful work. I say work, but it isn't. It is so rewarding. I love to see people smile. Basically, you write a positive note, and stick it in a random public place so someone will be able to see it and read it. I made a whole post it note pad full of them. I'm going to take pics of each one if I can and post them up here. Operation Beautiful is amazing.

I'm wanting to start a story, including some of my life events, but I want it to not be set in this time period. Like, I actually want it to be vampire-y or whimsical or something, something different. And, not vampires like the sparkling one. Maybe it'll be like "If I were a guy...", a gay guy, who is goth! Alliteration anyone? (<- Did you see that?)

I finished playing the game Chrono Trigger for SNES, which always makes me cry. It's a great game. You can get it on an emulator and play it on your computer. If you like RPG's at all, this one is classic.

Anyway, it's 5.30a, and it's time for bed, after, that is, I save in Oblivion! (Off to kill necromancers!)

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Part of a Story

Here's the first and second part of a story I'm writing. Any comments/critisms/questions welcome; and this one I'm going to take the idea for and rearrange it into another story.

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Scene 1

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Setting my bottle of Tequiza on the worn wooden table, I watched the condensation drip down the cold surface, "I can't believe it's only been six years." Nate nodded as he took a sip from his Corona. "It still feels like yesterday. Tonight's still salt in an open wound." I looked down at the tattoos on my wrist, '12/27/79 - 1/6/97'. "He was only 18, I just...," I sighed, "What if it was because of me?"

"Nah, you know better. He adored you, Gage, you know that." Nate took another sip. "Life through death, Gage."

"I wish I had been a little more open," his smile flashed across my mind, "maybe I would've been with him just a little longer...," I sighed, trying to justify his end."If I hadn't tried so hard to fit in," I remembered the phone ringing, and his brother choking out words, "maybe he would've felt a little less alone."

"It wasn't about whether or not you could have made him feel better. He just didn't know how to deal with the realities of the world."

"I can still remember the first time I talked to him. It was the first time I ever second guessed myself. It was at that party in '96."

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Scene 2

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I set the blue plastic cup down in my best friends' kitchen, and walked back outdoors. The smell of the alcohol, bonfire, and outdoors was intoxicating. Zak walked by me with a blonde on his arm, raising his eyebrows in a what-do-you-think kind of way. I smiled. She was a pretty girl-too drunk to know what was going on-but pretty nonetheless.

As I stepped outside, I shut the sliding glass door behind me. I walked past a few dozen pretty-faced girls, there wasn't hazard of any consequences, but I was with Anastasia. I reached the back of Zak's fenced-in yard. I kept looking over girls, blonde-not my type, brunette-too fake of a tan, blonde-too ditzy, blonde-too skinny, brunette-too small, brunette-too short. I had options here and I could pick a flaw in each of them. It's not like I needed to get a girl, I had Ana. I looked back through the crowd, I just wanted a different someone else.

"All 'cookie cuttered'?"

I nodded, turning to see who just spoke my mind. Another unfamiliar face. "Who're you?"

"Styles--I'm not from around here--simply a friend of a friend," he smiled, answering my next questions. "Who're you?"

"Gage, this is my friends' house."

"Oh, so you're from around here?"

"Unfortunately."

He smiled again, "I'll be moving here in November."

"Mid semester?"

"Yeah," he hung his head momentarily, "I dropped out." His bright smile faded off his face for the first time.

"Oh."

"Yeah, I'm getting my GED soon, or whatever the equivalent is. I don't care much for public schools too much bullshit, but my parents are having me stay with my relatives. They thought maybe a different school would be better for me."

I smiled knowing what he meant. I looked over at the bonfire crackling, dusting the dark star-filled sky with a soft haze.

“Hey,” Zak yawned, approaching us. “It looks like this party is coming to an end.” I nodded. “I was thinking of doing what I did last time.”

“Again?” Zak nodded. “Zak, are you-?” His mischievous smile cut me off, he headed for the back door. “Styles, follow me.”

“What's Zak doing?” Styles asked as we made our way through the crowd to the back corner of the fence.

“POLICE!”

I jumped the fence, and waited for Styles, “That's what he's doing. Come on, let's go up to his room.” We went into the house through the side door, and upstairs. From his room, there was a lot of thudding around. Great, he left her in there. “Let's go to Heathers' room.” I went to the next door in the hallway, listened for a second before opening the door. Peering through the blinds there was barely anyone in the yard. “Good, just a few more minutes,” I said sitting down on his sisters bed. Styles sat down next to me, his hand brushing against mine. “When's the next time you'll be in town?” I moved my hand.

“I don't know. Hopefully the next party. Does Zak end every party this way?”

“Nah, not usually, just lately. Do you usually come over for parties?”

“No, this is the first one over here. It's such an obnoxious way to end a party,” Styles said distastefully.

“Yeah, it is- he likes it though, and it is his party. Since you're just a town over do you want me to let you know when the next one is?”

“Would you?” Styles asked eagerly.

“Yeah, what's your number?” I asked pulling out my cell.

“I'll put it in,” he volunteered, he handed the phone back to me in a couple seconds.

Thud, thud, thud! Styles jumped next to me, I jumped up. “Whoa.” I eyed Styles over.

Zak opened the door. “Everyone's gone.” Thud. “Well, almost everyone. Are you heading out Gage, or crashing here? And what about you?”

“This is Styles. I'll go home, Styles, you need a ride?” He nodded. “See you Monday, Zak.”

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The second scene kind of really sucked. I have more written but that's for another day. I'll try to blog a little more frequently. Like I said, it's going to be majorly revamped LIke.. maybe the names will stay and this one's storyline will be the backdrop to a bigger one? I don't know yet.

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Ootz. List 1.1

Another list- for my own sake, this'll be updated list 1.1!

Things to Write About

1. Obama - birth certificate, nobel peace prize & the republican vendetta
2. My hair
3. Societal and cultural impact on "normal"
4. Transsexuality? Orientation?
5. The upcoming holidays - back home for them?
   
6. LAUNDRY DAY!
7. Hopeful optimistic why we are living stuff - millions of years .. ... ....../A central focus.. life?/Humans as a species; judgment, patterns,
8. Healthy body weight
9. Recipes
10. Going to WI again?
11. Rural vs. Suburban vs. Urban
12. Some of my short stories.. maybe?
13. psychology
14. life choices at 20? / college/ classes
    
15. music
16. religion - god/higher being/body
17. drivers license
18. 10+ F, a thank you :]
19. my mother - reality
20. A glimpse into my family

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Whoa.

It's been just about forever since I last posted. I'm terribly sorry I haven't, for those who enjoy reading this. I really appreciate those who comment- it takes that "this blog is for nothing" feeling away.

I'm going to try and touch down on the last.... 16? 17 days? Oh well. I knew I'd forget to wish you all for Halloween. I hope everyone's Halloween was safe and no one got bad candies. Let's see, the fourth of October, I woke up to a sharp shooting pain in my mouth, and I wiggled the tooth where the pain was coming from. That's right, I wiggled it. I called the dentist for an immediate extraction, the earliest I'd be able to get in was the next day at 4p. I went it and they x-rayed it. I cracked it all the way up the root and it would either be a $1200 root canal and crown, or a $300 extraction. While extracting it, it cracked in 3 places. It was the worst tooth ever. It failed. They gave me vicodin and motrin, as well as a super salt water rinse. The Monday after the extraction, October 9th, I had an psychological analysis for ADHD. It was from 2 until about 5.45, but they weren't expecting it to get done until 6.30p. Ahahahaha! I focused. They lose. The results would be back within 2 weeks. So, hopefully before october 23rd I'd hear back from them! The tooth didn't heal up until about three or four days ago, when, consequently, my
roommate had a realisation that his emotions and his logic weren't matching up. He realised this because lately I've been asking him "What do you feel when you're [insert emotion here]?" and he's had Mondays off of work because he, as well as the rest of the factory where he works at, got cut one day short. His were Mondays. He thinks people are watching him when he's not in the privacy of a house, waiting for him to make a mistake so they can humiliate him, but logically he knows they aren't. There are no people waiting or watching, and that it's all in his head. However, when he's out, they're there. Waiting. Watching. Lurking, and creeping.

All this paired with the holidays, and needing to vent has had me quite stressed. I tend to clench my teeth when I'm stressed- which made my bottom left, and only remaining, wisdom tooth really start hurting. Motrin doesn't touch it. Prescription motrin doesn't. Time to get that pulled, but I want to do my other tooth in the back at the same time, as it's a non-functional tooth, and all it can do is wait to get a cavity- which it already has. There's another $600. Jesse's van needs a display light bulb, as well as its' filters and fluids changed.

To put the icing on the cake, my mom has a mole that looks like melanoma on her face and is awaiting biopsy reports. I bet she's going to try and guilt me into coming to see her. Thanks mom. Oddly enough, when I heard that news I was quite relieved, which is just a sign that I need to leave her behind. I might not be able to get rid of her, but I don't need to keep her. A mother isn't always a mom, and mine sure as hell wasn't.

Also, I had the opportunity to acknowledge just how much I love my dad, how much of my childhood "hate" for him was actually hurt, and how much I needed him then. I need to get over the fear of him rejecting or abandoning me, because if he's stuck through this long to wait for me to come around, he'll stick around for me as long as he can. I need, for my sake, to tell him how much he means to me. He's a gift, really.

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Short post!

It's 5 in the morning. Just finished learning how to customize blog templates. Super easy. Thought it would be hard. Super freakin' excited. Going to learn some chemistry tomorrow on my own free will. Jesse now has all mondays in November off. And there's a new header on my blog. Yay!

Oh yeah. New celly! Our old one broke, couldn't make outgoing calls which blew. Okay, bedtime, cause I'm sick.

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Holidays!

Holidays are coming up quickly! Happy Halloween! (in case I forget to post!)

I've decided not to go up to my family's for any of the next four holidays - Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years- if they can't have me at my worst, they don't get to see me at my best. And they sure as hell don't get to be disrespectful to me 95% of the year and expect to see me because I ought to go up there for holidays. I had a dream that I did go up there and my mom was being a total bitch herself and I cussed her out in front of the whole family and left. Strangely enough, Jesse's aunt Lulu and Stephen were there.

I've decided to use Stephen to break down my 'emotional wall.' He seems pretty cool with the idea, and we've been playing Farmville and Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life together. It's nice to let my guard down around him. Though, I am afraid of getting too close to him.

I tore out the knees in my favorite jeans. I don't know weather or not to patch them. I love unpatched jeans.. but it's getting to be winter in Michigan! It's getting to be freezing at night. Which reminds me - I love all the seasons. I love the fall colors, the silent still nights of winter, the pastel-y spring, and the hazy summer. I can't believe anyone could complain about it. Sure, winters f-ing freezing, and summer is too hot, but, come on, you can't have such beauty and not pay for it. It's gorgeous here. I need to take some fall pictures.

I've decided to grow my hair out until it's curly, and then dye it bright red, with orangey highlights. because, well, I haven't had red hair yet. It might just suit me. If not it's only a hop to brown. I still have to dye my hair pink before I've had my hair every color, and red should fade to a weird pinky color.

I have 3 teeth I need pulled because they hurt all the time, and I'm sick. It's terrible. I sleep all day and just don't want to get up. It's going to be $660 to pull the teeth, and I'm going to see if my dad can help me pay for it. I'm waiting for my old employer to fax some papers to where I applied to- before I can even get an interview. Then I can hopefully get braces, and have pretty, healthy teeth. Okay, I'm out to harvest in FarmVille, and kill some family in Oblivion!

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Societal and cultural impact on "normal"

This week has been less than interesting. Tyler came over but, I would've had more fun if he wasn't here. I don't know why I invite him over. Maybe it's more that he invites himself over and I have no good reason to say no except because of myself. The cell phone broke, ordered a new one. Nothing really happened, which gave me a lot of time to think - my number one focus, what makes us normal, what effects our personal perception of normal, what is our general consensus of normal, what has culture taught us about normal, what do we still hold to normal that isn't - what makes normal, normal?

Picture this:
A normal person.
Describe them.

Can you? Technically "normal" is the "average or mean." What does that mean? Applied to society, what is normal? Is it conforming to society's standards? Is non-conformity conforming to a group? Is it bad to be a non-conformist? Is it hypocritical? What is normal/average to one isn't to another. Is there a set of rules or guidelines to normalcy? Not particularly. And why do we worry about being, looking, and acting normal? Is it our social dependancy on other humans? That we actually do need each other to survive?

We need a certain set of boundaries for normal, but everything else, goes. I do think that the "treat others as you'd like to be treated" goes a lot further than just kindergarten. However, a lot of people think the rules in kindergarten stay in kindergarten. They don't. The person on the street who just dropped all their paperwork would appreciate it just as much as you or me for you to stop and help them. Why do we, as a society, turn a blind eye to those small kind acts of consideration? Why don't we do things just to make other peoples days? I don't know how many smiles I've seen just by saying hi to, waving at, or smiling at someone. Happiness is contagious.

I've learned that your immediate society has a direct impact on your perception of normal. The small Christian, redneck town I came from frowned upon me supporting gay rights, dying my hair every color, wearing ripped up jeans, and even thinking about piercings. It was is ridiculous. I had someone from the south tell me that it was okay that she hated a certain girl that her ex/current boyfriend slept with because she was black. These prejudices still are held. What makes me, at birth, different from anyone else in the world? Nothing. Our actions define us as people, our prejudices define our future. What we deem acceptable as a society today, paves the path for tomorrow. It's time we open our minds, not teach hate, but love.

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Oh! 2 weeks!

It's been two weeks since I started blogging. "ootz" Wonderful! Another week and hopefully a routine! On positive notes, it's the middle of the week (at least for me!), and it just continues to get busier! I have a checklist for this week of things to do, and I keep adding onto it! That's okay though, busier is better! Hopefully next week this time I'll have some time to just sit, and relax. Run down for the next week; another psychologist appointment, doctors appointment tomorrow, and a friend over for four days, I'm hoping to blog nightly, and am supposed to keep an hour to 2 hour emotions journal, as well as a dream journal. I can't wait to see what comes of it. I de-wormed the cats, or tried to rather. The box suggested mixing the de-wormer in their food but Jerk, the itty bitty kitty, that we finally named, wouldn't eat it, and Flopsy and Chubbers ate most of theirs but not all. So, I took away their food and tomorrow they'll eat it all happily. Oh, yeah. I also shaved my head last week! Finally! I've been talking about doing it for a couple months. It's great. I love it.

On a different note, do you ever run through hypothetical scenarios in your head of what could happen, and if it did how you'd react to it? What you'd say? I think it's kind of therapeutic. I get to yell and scream in my head at all the people who have ever upset me, I can deal with them the next day politely, and they never know. However, repeat hypothetical offenders eventually get to me and get blown up on. They're kind of weary of me for a while afterward, but, it gives me time to calm down and blow off some more steam.

It's been raining on and off here.. I wonder if it's rain then snow.. I surely hope not. Hello six months of winter. And, I'd like to do a blog on the gang rape, the GOP, and their reactions, but I'm so disgusted by the government right now that they wouldn't stand a chance.

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LAC- suicide

I read a story earlier about suicide and how it is so much different than normal deaths. There are so many unanswered questions with suicide; so much negativity - it's terrible.

A quote about my ex-boyfriend, my almost ex-fiance:

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[Goodnight], Lost Boys, now it's [time] to DrEaM...

...to DrEaM how [wonderful] your life will be.

"I don't understand people and their drugs...you know?
Drugs and diaries....If I had been one of those kids that kept a diary, the entries from the years, like, 8 to say, well....now, would have to been:
Got high, ate candy!"
From the candy-coated, colourful mind of Lee Alexander Carnovale. (x Skull Candy x)

A heavy heart. It's all I can explain it as. Like a sunken ship, crashed upon the rocky shores. I'm stranded...at a loss. Loss...Lost. To be lost, to lose something. Someone. One. Whole. Hole. Pieces. Losing a piece. Missing. Empty. Numb.

All my life I've been the subject of ridicule. The child of a German ex-militia and a Japanese mail-order bride. "Kamikaze Nazi" they called me. For years I was hounded. And it was only going to get worse. By my mid-teens, my parents would abandon me, ashamed of their faggot son. And after much discovery; shameless acts of rage, lust, sorrow and self-pity, I would arrive to be the man I am today, despite it all. I took each punch to the face as it came. Let it all roll off my shoulders.


But...what about those who are trampled? So overwhelmed with the hate in the world today that they can barely lift their weary, dizzy head? Who would want to wake up in this age today?

One less teen. One less life. One less day to face.

I've lost many a thing this passing week and a half. A best friend, a little brother, a confidant, a partner in crime, a pain in the ass, a spirit to uplift, a reason to cook breakfast, a reason to stay home, a worthy opponent for SSB, uncountable migraines induced by crappy music, random gigglefits at my expense, a smiling face, a cheerful voice, a platonic love I could depend on, a life worth living.

At eighteen years young, Lee Alexander Carnovale....known on Gaia as x Skull Candy x, took his own life. He was a part of me, and a part of everyone he blessed with his candy-induced giggles and smiles. However irritating he might have been at points, Lee could always manage to get one to smile. Even when said boy was bouncing on your bed at two in the morning and raining skittles down upon the room around him.

Famous for his obsession with all things pink and his never-ending love for white jellybeans, Lee was a fascinating spectacle to watch. Everything from his "cheap confetti" (which consisted of rocks and pebbles) to drawing little trails of jellybeans and assorted candies all over his leg cast.


Even with a shining new leg brace, nothing could keep him down.

But something dark swelled beneath the surface. Something he managed to keep hidden. Why, I haven't the faintest clue. Being a youth councellor to hundreds of troubled teens, I expected to have seen it. But one doesn't usually like to mix work with personal life. I suppose, subconsciously, I blocked it out. Misheard the gentle weeping in the next room for stifled giggles. Misinterpretted the tear in his eye as the sun glared through the wide windows of the apartment.

It eats at me...feasting on my heartstrings, not knowing why he did it. Who put a damper on his spark for life? There's a lot of blame going around...

But when things go unanswered, we all just need someone or something to blame. There are literally thousands of factors.


But which one tipped him off?

...I [p r o m i s e ] we will >>never<< ---grow--- up...

It's quiet in my home now. Much too quiet. There's no laughter here anymore...no stepping on jellybeans whilst wandering to the bathroom in the middle of the night...no candied fingerprints on the refridgerator door.

And then....I realize something.

This isn't home anymore.

My home was filled with rucous laughter, horsing around, breaking furniture, waking the neighbours, receiving cookies from the senile bat next door for being "special", there's no smell of burnt oreo's and marshmallows wafting from the microwave, no icecream melting in the bowl, forgotten as another round of SSB starts up. No late nights hearing Disney movies being watched, and the favoured scene rewound to watch again, in the middle of the night.

But I can't bring myself to pack up his things.


Even sitting here, I can see one of his shoes peeking out from behind the armchair. And his pink zippered hoodie draped over the bedpost.

There's skittles in the bed...my bed. Which he usurped and claimed as his own for the past four months.

The bedsheets smell like candy.

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It almost hurts to read this again, I can just imagine those bright blue eyes, and ear-to-ear grins. His stories about mannequins in stores just "attacking" him. Seven! How could someone knock over seven of them. He also would get stuck in escalators because of his torn up jeans. I'll never forget all our made up words to describe our stories that we made up on the spot to see who could make the other laugh harder. Lee had a level of childishness (to say the least!) that brought back the pure and natural beauty of curiosity and unconditional love.

Unconditional love. I don't think that's something anyone will ever actually find. Every 'love' is conditional on something- how much money you make, how much you spend, what you look like, what you act like, what you've done, even your sex- I've had to learn that the hard way. But I think found it. Once. That unconditional, over-the-moon, not-missing-you-because-I-have-you, waking-up-in-the-morning-with-a-smile-because-you're-mine love. Just the mention of his name still lights up my face, brings a smile. Our relationship had magic to it, a spark. Our feelings were palpable by everyone. How do you move on from that? How do you let that slip from your grip?

We had a lot in common; a mother who didn't want us, assaults, being hated for standing up for what we believed in, and, needing more therapy than money could ever buy. His suicide didn't blindside anybody. We all knew it, we just.. didn't acknowledge the upcoming danger. It was in our face and we turned away. Well, most of us, others prodded, and he gave us bits and pieces scattered throughout all his friends. A huge puzzle, but he never let on that he had a plan, or time, or place. I don't think that he did. I think he visited his mother, and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I'll never forget his best friend breaking the news to me. The week I just slept and barely made it to school.

The following week I met my current roommate. He's kept me alive, safe, sound, and surprisingly happy. Jesse was having a hard time of his own then, but even though he had his problems, mine usually came first. Maybe to escape his own? Either way, I'm here, now.

RIP angel.

To be continued...

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Pictures

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Que sera, sera.

What I'm listening to:


This week has been going great! I couldn't imagine this week staying busy, but it looks like it is!

So, Monday went well with Mark, the maintenance guy, tub is no longer filled with mildew-y grossness. He needs to replace an outlet in the game room because it no longer grabs, which isn't good. And our TV is being retarded, and turns off once you turn it on, unless you push the game controls, which is ridiculous!

Tuesday, the psychologist appointment. I really clicked with this guy which, without a doubt, is the key to help. Our main point of that appointment was to bring him up to date about me. Harder said than done. I did learn that panic attacks usually have a common denominator- of repressed anger before the age of self awareness- so a lot of my panic goes back to my mom (thanks! ) being a fail-parent. I still need to go into more detail about my sophomore year in HS with him, but que sera, sera, what will be, will be. Also , around Tuesday, I noticed an abnormal mole on my back - and Jesse was like "look up the signs of skin cancer," and sure enough it fits four out of the five symptoms, so another doctors appointment. Joy. On another note, my roommate Jesse's little brother split open his lip, 3 or 4 stitches. All from playing flag football.

Wednesday, wednesday, wednesday! Dentist appointment! The guy I went to is brilliant. At any sign of pain during the cleaning I was swabbed with oragel. It was fantastic. Bad news, I have some form of a cavity in every tooth. Cost: $2,500. I'm in desperate need of braces. Cost: $7,000. Having enough confidence to smile? Priceless. I was recommended a toothpaste that was $30, and can prevent and reverse enamal caries! Great, because, a lot of my cavities are just that! I have to have one wisdom tooth and one second molar extracted, and a tooth filled (and if that tooth turns into a root canal it's better for it to be pulled). Another tooth is a cavity, like, no innards to the tooth, it's a shell, and it needs to be saved. So, needless to say, I'm looking for a job to fund all this.

Found a job! Applied, waiting for a call for an interview! It's an adult foster care home, kind of. It's 'assisted living.' Everyone there is basically on their own, except if they need help, they have it. I worked at an AFC home before for 8ish months, and it went great, except that near the end I became allergic to milk and penicillin and was drinking milk at work, on penicillin, - to say the least, a terrible combination. I ended up getting fired for missing so many days. But when you can't stand up from being so sick, lost 30lbs, and doctors can't diagnose what's wrong- it's better you don't go into work when you work with people who have compromised immune systems, am I right? Wrong. Whatever. Que sera, sera. Stephen, Jesse's little brother, is fine. His nickname is now Quack-quack, because of how swollen his lip is, and Stephen and Jesse's younger brother, Tim, was being an attention whore, as usual. Stephen and I played Farmville, and talked about how girls are stupid, and how kittens are cute. Came home around 11.30p. It's been a good week so far.

Need to go shopping tomorrow, do dishes, fold and sort laundry. Maybe make a steak! Next week is going to be hectic too, but if it's not hectic it's boring, then, what is one to do? Still need a name for the kitten, and everyone thinks Sparky is a good name for her because she's spunky and full of fight. Everyone has said Sparky at one point or another without someone else telling them. Watched 'The Emperor's New Groove' Sunday or Monday night, as always, it was fantastic, and I've been quoting it all week. It is comedy genius. It also gave me an idea for a tattoo piece I want. I'll describe that later, but for now, it's pills falling up and down out of a bottle, lyrics, shoulder angels, and the quote, "He's leading you down the path of righteousness, I'm going to lead you down the path that rocks!" for the shoulder-devil. Now just to draw it up! :]

I hope everyone has had a great week!

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Farmville, this week, & Christmas

Firstly, thank you to everyone who commented, it means a lot to see what you guys are saying. It definitely makes me smile! So thanks for making my night!

FarmVille on facebook is addicting. I love the music! I also like the Harvest Moon series by Natsume as well, though! By the time I post this, my strawberries will be able to be harvested!

I started making Christmas cards for friends and family. It's so freakin' early, but once you celebrate Halloween, it seems like a New York minute and the holidays are all over, and it's February! So, I thought I'd get an early start on them, send them out around Dec. 11th, and hope everyone likes them! I'm making them myself because in a world that seems so digitalized, a handwritten note means a lot more! Though, on a negative note, I don't know how I'm not going to say "I love you" to my mom, in her note. I refuse to say something that I don't mean. This will be a difficult Christmas indeed.

This week! Oh my goodness, it seems like since I got back from Wisconsin, all I've been doing is going nonstop! That's okay, better to keep busy than not! I have the maintenance guy, Mark, coming over Monday to tear out and re-caulk the tub because there is mold and mildew in the bottom corners, and it's disgusting. Then on Tuesday, there's a psychologist appointment, with a new psychologist. I hope he's able to think outside the box, and not need a psychologist more than I do! Wednesday! I have a dentist appointment, which I need ever so badly, as I have 3 major cavities in my front right 3 teeth and I fear an abscess which can lead to blood poisoning! Yikes! I also have to do the dishes, put plastic over the windows because it's getting below freezing at night, fold all the laundry, get sterilite bins for the laundry, find the winter coats, and finish up Christmas cards.

I'm hoping to write a blog each night, or afternoon, this week :]

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Stuff I'd like to write about

A list of things I'd like to write about (in no particular order):

1. Obama - birth certificate, nobel peace prize & the republican vendetta
2. My hair
3. My past pt 2
4. Societal and cultural impact on "normal"
5. Transsexuality? Orientation?
6. The upcoming holidays - back home for them?
   
7. LAUNDRY DAY!
8. Hopeful optimistic why we are living stuff - millions of years .. ... ......
9. Healthy body weight
10. Recipes
11. Going to WI again?
12. Rural vs. Suburban vs. Urban
13. Things I hold dear
14. Some of my short stories.. maybe?
15. A central focus.. life?
16. psychology
17. life choices at 20? / college
18. music
19. religion - god/higher being/body
20. drivers license
21. 10+ F, a thank you :]
22. Celebration of 1 week: 10/14/09 & 1 month: 11/7/09
23. Humans as a species; judgment, patterns,
    

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A little background - Pt. 1

So maybe I should say a little more about myself?

I grew up in a small Christian town. My parents had a house foreclosed and we moved to a one bedroom house which my dad built into a four bedroom, one bath house. It had an attic, main floor, and classic Michigan basement. The electrical, plumbing, duct work, and foundation are terrible, the floor is falling in on itself and it's barely insulated. I'm sure any building inspector (if they were paid on commission for each infraction of building code) would be a millionaire by the time they got done with that house. I was 3 at the time. My dad left (I later found out my mother evicted him) when I was 6. My grandparents died when I was 7, and my mom fell into a depression, resorting to alcohol and chain smoking. She used to be very pretty.

When I was 9 my mom "lost" her job at a glass plant in the next town over. I found out later that she quit because she thought my dad's child support would sustain me, her, and my two older brothers. She would drive by my dad's house and see what he was up to. Finally reunited with my dad, I made his life hell, as much as I could. I hated him. He left me, abandoned me, little did I know he tried as hard as he could to get full custody of me. His first, and only, wife left him around July of '98, as I accidently stumbled upon a conversation of hers - who she was cheating with and when. They told me it wasn't my fault. Of course it was, had I not heard that conversation he wouldn't have known. He moved to Wisconsin soon after, and I'd visit him every other week in summer up there.


In '99, there was the columbine shootings, the following fall, my school district had bomb threats every other day until winter, and as soon as it got warm, they started up again. We had logs of when everyone left the class to go to the bathroom, when we left the class, when we arrived at the bathroom, when we left the bathroom, and when we arrived back to class. On one occasion I was out of the classroom when one of the threats was made, and all the other girls who had been out of their class at the same time, were gathered up and sent to the principals office. If I could remember what that guy said - I'd put money on him losing his job. How he treated us was terrible.

In middle school everyone kind of made their own cliques, almost everyone had one. I refused to get into that sort of nonsense, so I didn't. Sure, I ostrasized myself, but it was by my own hand, the next six years, I didn't have a group, a set group of friends, a certain table to sit at, I was a loner, and I was okay with that.

In 8th grade was the first time I cut my hair very short, about 1/2 long, frosted tips, I'm sure it looked terrible, but I felt so great about it. I looked like my brother, dressed in boys clothes, but didn't know why I was doing it, except that it felt good, it felt right.

9th grade, I sort of found a group, but not friends, I joined theatre. It was great fun, I kept my grades up, 3.98 gpa, and always A's. I had the smallest part in the play - Poppy, in Noises Off. A play inside a play, brilliant. But I soon fell depressed, The fall of 10th grade my drama directors son commited suicide on Thanksgiving, he quit. I quit drama. I started going online to meet friends, saying I was a guy "because I didn't want to be hit on." I loved being called a guy.

And that's when it hit me. I needed to be seen as a guy. Luckily, the androgynous scene of 'emo' was in, I could dress as a guy and just be called emo, not 'dyke' or 'lesbo' or anything.. I dyed my hair and had the emo fringe, and all was good.

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Preset Ideals & Ponderings

What do you see when you think female? And male? Anything in particular? Are there distinct differences between the two? What about a gay? A lesbian? A straight girl? Guy? Bisexual? Transsexual? What do you think when you hear the word 'queen'?

I hate that society has even made these words to differentiate and categorize. People are people, what they do to their image or with their genitalia does not make who they are. Our actions, and prejudices, provide more than enough verbiage to explain a person. How can you possibly form a correct judgment on a person just by knowing who they sleep with? Or how they do their hair or where they shave (or lack thereof?)

Can you still picture your best friend in kindergarten? What made them so great? Their personality, I would bet. They wanted to be friends, have someone to confide in. Not because you were pretty, smart, or wealthy.

How could we, as we age, lose so much over the course of 10 to 13 years? How can forget what really matters? When did we forget to forgive? Treat others as we'd like to be treated? When did it become to keep our heads above the rising water, and go on in this dreary grey world? Why did we stop 'helping thy neighbor'? Is it because we got nothing out of it? What about the warm fuzzy feeling of helping someone else? Why not do good, just to do good? If there were no positives or negatives to be gained or lost would we all be evil for the sake of being evil? Would we not have a conscious?

I don't think people are born inherently evil. I think we've been taught to turn a blind eye, unless there are things to be gained. We've been taught to associate images with words, make patterns- whether they are there or not. What if we weren't to make those associations? And go into everything as though it were completely new? I would hope it would make a differences

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Helpful Health Stuff!

Bad news: I have some major cavity problems.

Good news? I have some great tips for a healthy body, that are pretty easy. I know, you're skeptical, however, just try them. I'll even try to give you some good recipes! Okay, so the first thing I looked up is how to build strong, healthy teeth.

Most everyone knows that calcium is a must, but phosphorus is also essential! Where to get phosphorus though? It's in most dairy products, meats, seafood, liver, and fish. The best source of calcium and phosphorus is yogurt (it contains a whopping 383mg of phosphorus, in 8 oz., the recommend daily amount should be about 600-700mg a day!). Yogurt in itself is great for the body. It helps by providing good bacteria (lactobacteria) that helps your body to digest food and it cleans out the digestive tract, especially the colon, which in turn helps "decrease your risk of contracting colon cancer." That's great news for everyone. Other benefits of yogurt are: fighting off osteoporosis, stress reduction, anti-inflammatory, preventing hypertension, if eaten regularly- it will help you absorb other nutriets such as calcium and the b-vitamins, and it also boosts your immune system. For the lactose intolerant, yogurt is also easier on the stomach.

While looking up how to get more phosphorus, I stumbled upon some other ways to stay healthy, and thought I'd share! First, frozen veggies and fruits are chosen at their peak and frozen, which helps them retain their nutrients and last longer! Store brands are usually as good as name brands - which helps save a pretty penny! I think a lot of people have heard of pre-biotics, the stuff that helps you stay healthy and boost your immune, and antioxidants, which help fight off free radicals in the blood and body. A good source of antioxidants are: corn, onions, broccoli, spinach, raisens, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, cherries, red grapes, and oranges.

Some other foods to keep in mind are apples and potatoes. Apples help keep the blood sugar level balanced and are a good source of soluble fiber. Potatoes, contrary to popular belief, are great for you as well, as long as they aren't in the greasy form of french fries or chips! Baked, mashed, boiled, fried, all great options. They are a good source of vitamin C, B6, copper, potassium, manganese, tryptophan, dietary fiber, and are low in calories.

Hope this helps!

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Epiphanies and Moving On?

So, I just got my VF cult re-organized. I hope it works better this time. I need to redo my profile and organize it a little better.

Last night I was finally able to describe what I've been feeling. I feel like I'm watching a movie of my life and I'm on my couch screaming what I should do, but I can't quite bring myself in the movie to do it. So I just sit here in life, and drift. It's terrible. I know why I drift, and I know what's holding me back, I'm just not ready to get help. Though part of me really wants to move on I don't want to be seen as 'damaged goods' or some type of freak. I've been through a lot in my 20 years. More than most people have, and I know a lot of people say that because everything is in relativity to what you can deal and cope with.

The thing that holds me back most is when I was 15 I wasn't raped, but it was as traumatic as a rape. How do I know? I have been raped. I can still feel the guys 150grit sand paper skin rub against mine, see his luminously pale white skin, remember how I pushed him away, grabbed my clothes, and sat on my basement stairs crying until he left. I still hate him. It still disgusts me to see any picture of him. I still take the blame for what happened.. maybe if I hadn't let him on? Maybe if I hadn't thought I was ready? About six months before my life went downhill. I started realising my reality wasn't matching up with what was being told to me. I was beginning to realise who I was, and what I wanted. I thought maybe if I could get into a relationship and feel "loved" - which at that time was really lust - I would be normal, just as normal as any other girl. Oh, how wrong I was.

No amount of love or lust would bring me to feel normal. Only accepting who I am would do that. Now that I am coming around to that, it feels like a ton of bricks have hit me and I am sorting through all the lies that were told to me and finding the truth of who I am, who I'm able to trust, and what really happened in my life. I know all my sources are biased, and I can only trust each with a grain of sand.

I know I can't continue to drift. I need to stand up in this stream, and walk out. Cut ties with all the lies I've been living in. Start over. Let go, take a deep breath and move on.

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Catching Up

So, last week I went to 'meet' my dad. First time in 8 years, and everything I thought I knew about him was a lie. I went there with an open mind, an open heart, and a clear conscious. A good friend of mine, Tyler, drove me up there. we had 13 miles of construction, and we were going 3mph for most of the 13 miles. All in all, it took us about four and a half hours to get there, and I met my dad under the Mackinaw bridge. He looked about the same as he did 8 years ago, just greying a bit more. He hugged me- it was such a loving and much needed embrace. His daughters were with him, as well as his wifey, Jodi. Another 5 hour trip back to Wisconsin across the U.P. Nothing but trees and no freeway.

Once we arrived, they carried the girls inside. Their house was beautiful, and they had a farm with 20 some horses, 2 or so dozen chickens, a handful of rabbits, 12 dogs, 8 puppies, and 3 cats. I felt at home. We didn't stay up late that night as we had work in the morning. Work? What work? Farmwork. The next day I met the rest of the family, Jessie, 16, her boyfriend, Roger ( who was nicknamed Hiawatha), John, aka shooter, and his girlfriend Brianne. Let's not forget Chou Cha either, Chou Cha is polish for Auntie, she was amazing. In her 80's and still had a ton of fight left in her. I can only wish to have that much fight in me at 80.

Roger, Jessie and Jodi went out to do the morning chores- taking the puppies out to the pen from the stall, feeding the chickens, cleaning QT, Traveller, and the puppies stalls, feeding the colts, Cherry, Frosty, the rabbits, chickens, puppies, dogs, and let out Gretta, Tucker, and Pepperann. I followed Jessie around as she showed me the barn and all the animals. We found Minnie's three week old kittens too, she had six in all, and we moved them to the kennel. It wasn't even noon and it had been an amazing day. My dad had went to the mill, and the girls, Jake and Joe (short for JaKota, and JoHanna respectively), were playing on their gator and bikes in the front lawn.

The rest of the week went along pretty quietly. I was in charge of feeding and watering the animals as well as cleaning out the stalls. By the end of the week I was able to do all the chores in about an hour! Spectacular! Saturday. I wasn't ready to leave. It had been a great week. My dad and I made a new Aggravation board and a cat toy. I also had adopted a kitten from Minnie's litter- she looked almost dead when we found her.

And now that it's been about ten days since I've returned, I still want to go back. Part of me doesn't want to leave what I've made for myself. A secondary family, one that loves me to bits, is concerned about me and shows it, they trust me, and I love them all for that.

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A heavy heart?

I can't quite put it to words what I'm doing here. Is this just to establish a sense of who I am? Putting all of what I've felt into something that is somewhat materialized? Maybe it's all just superficial. Something just for my benefit. I hope this helps someone, somewhere in the long run. I hope it helps me.

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